ACT 3 Scene 5: DRINK THOU THIS HELL-BROTH

 

DRINK THOU THIS HELL-BROTH 

 

ACT 3

 

Scene 5

 

~ Curtain Opens ~

 

The forest, in the mountains of the enchanted Greek island, where the trees are dead, all save one, which appears dead as well, but has eyes that spy.

 

[ The evil spirits AGONIGHTUS,  KALIMAY, WACANDAMACA and FIFI  stand in a small clearing in front of a cave. Their faces are melted to the bone from the exposure to St. John's Wort flowers at Thisbe's Tavern.  ROWAN spies on them as a dead-seeming tree.]

 

 AGONIGHTUS

 

Someone watches us.  Yet behold how the Belladonna still rests upon her  bed of the sea.

 

[ AGONIGHTUS points off stage.]

 

KALIMAY

 

If not Belladonna, then who can it be?

 

FIFI

 

[ Points to the heavens.] 

 

Does Beatrice watch us with starry eyes?

 

 

 

 WACANDAMACA

 

Forgive us, Beatrice.  We could not have known.

 

AGONIGHTUS

 

 We should have known the Groach was made of lies and she and Mab already had the stone.

 

FIFI

 

Twas their plot that stripped our faces to bone.

 

KALIMAY

 

We seek to save you and make them atone.

 

[ They raise their arms to the skies. ]

 

ALL

 

By Groach and Queen Mab we have been betrayed!

 

Thus our faces taken by their device!

 

Faceless we are but are not to be stayed!

 

Double crossed we, but never so done twice! 

 

 

 

[ A sinister VOICE comes forth from the CAVE with a glowing green mist.] 

 

 VOICE FROM CAVE

 

Sisters, I am more here than I am there!

 

So by the Stone of Artemis torn twain,

 

My good nature imprisoned where you stare,

 

The rest of me cast near hell worse than slain!

 

[ They all walk to the mouth of the cave.]

 

ALL

 

Beatrice!

 

 

 

VOICE FROM THE CAVE / BEATRICE 

 

Aye, my greater part is here in this hold,

 

By Queen for her King was I stole from life!

 

Secrets of the battle I now unfold.

 

She herself did cut with the diamond knife!

 

Her good self now locked in same stars with mine,

 

Her bad side walks the isle still in body,

 

Whilst I, an ooze, locked in earth do confine!

 

Till thee drink of me to my soul embody!

 

Drink thou this hell broth and speak only death!

 

All who smell thy words shall die of thy breath!

 

Make haste and to thy fell purpose take seize!

 

There is life left yet in one of these trees! 

 

[ The CAVE vomits a disgusting looking, lumpy broth.  WACANDAMACA, AGONIGHTUS, FIFI and KALIMAY fall to their knees and scoop up handfuls of the hell broth and drink.  They all rise and don golden helmets exactly like the one QUEEN MAB wears.  They all exit.]

 

VOICE FROM THE CAVE / BEATRICE

 

[ Hissing out with a rolling green fog] 

 

Die! 

 

[ ROWAN exits the tree she was hiding inside. ]

 

ROWAN

 

[Sighing to herself]

 

O most horrible sight!

 

Long yet short grows this night!

 

[ ROWAN exits just before the deadly green fog reaches her hiding place.]

 

~ CURTAIN CLOSES ~

 

                                  ~ TO BE CONTINUED ~ 

 

 

 

 

ACT 3 Scene 4 THE RATH OF OBERON

 ACT 3



Scene 4

THE RATH OF OBERON

THE RAPE OF OBERON

~ CURTAIN OPENS ~

A dark and dangerous clearing, deep in the forest. The wind howls. There is lightning and thunder.

[ PUCK is on the ground crying in pain and swearing. FORGET-ME-NOT, TOADFLAX, HAREBELLE, YARROW, YEW and FOXGLOVE are tending Puck's wounds. POPPY is standing guard.]

PUCK

( Screams)

I shall chop her to bits and make a bonfire of her rotten wood!

Enter STRAWBERRY.

POPPY

Hail, Strawberry! Help me keep this frightful watch!

STRAWBERRY

Good Poppy, what are these dread noises?

POPPY

Puck hath with all his might, slammed into the tree of Rowan, where upon he sees double and cries out, "Death to both of you, thou treacherous tree witch!"

STRAWBERRY

What is the quarrel?

POPPY

Titania's servant, Rowan, gives to Puck this sealed letter from the Fairy Queen, which I now hold for safe keeping while Puck's wounds are dressed.

[ Poppy pulls a letter from her pockets, shows it to Strawberry, then puts it away carefully.]

STRAWBERRY

O miserable mess! How do they make war over this letter?

POPPY

Puck asks of Rowan why she does not give the letter, since she seeks Oberon herself and that he should not disturb his Captain until Oberon were calm again. Rowan, full of impatience, replies that Great Oberon will likely kill the bearer of this note and if Puck would do the honor, it should greatly please both the fairy kingdom and the realm of man.

[ Poppy makes a fist and rears back to throw a punch, showing Strawberry how it went.]

POPPY

( Continues )

In this way and war-like, Puck dashes to strike Rowan. Rowan transforms herself into a mighty tree, which is the form in which she sleeps. Puck hits her stone-like tree with such a force that brings forth his terrible injury which we now tend to mend.

[LIGHTNING and THUNDER and WIND intensify.]

POPPY AND STRAWBERRY

( Both Shouting)

Hide! Something terrible approaches!

[ The fairies cover Puck's mouth and drag him. They exit.]

Enter QUEEN MAB, backwards, brandishing a great silver sword.

Enter OBERON, also wielding a great sword, forcing her to back away from him and appears to have the upper hand.

OBERON

Answer my question or die, thou filthy hag!

[Queen Mab abruptly stops backing up.]

QUEEN MAB

Here is my reply!

[ With shocking and unexpected force, Queen Mab's sword knocks Oberon's sword out of his hand. She round kicks him to the ground and stands over him with her sword at his neck.]

OBERON

Bear my body to my Queen Titania. Do not leave it for the animals to devour. That is all I ask.

[ Enter QUEEN MAB'S ARMY. They drive stakes into the ground and bind his hands and feet, then stand guard.]

QUEEN MAB

Bear it to her yourself, King Oberon, after I have ravished thee. I am to be thy first and I will get from thee a terrible son who will become the Dread Sovereign of the Fairy Kingdom!

Enter PUCK, STRAWBERRY, POPPY, FORGET-ME-NOT, TOADFLAX, HAREBELL, YARROW, YEW and FOXGLOVE, all SCREAMING with their weapons drawn. They fight valiantly but are outnumbered and driven away by QUEEN MAB'S ARMY.

~ CURTAIN CLOSES ~

~ To Be Continued ~

 

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ACT 3 Scene 1 ABOARD THE BELLADONNA

ACT 3

Scene 1

Aboard the Groach Ship, BELLADONNA, Captain's Quarters.

[ The BELLADONNA is alive.  Her breath is heavy, almost masculine.  Jewels, gold and other treasures sparkle and fill every available space.  She rocks and creaks and her breathing begins to form words, then a very slow, gravelly singing to the melody of Alice Cooper's: "I'm 18". ]

BELLADONNA

[ Surround Sound, Heavy Breathing, Gravelly Voiced Singing]

Eatiiiiiiinnnnnng.

Eatiiiiiiiinnnnnnng.

I'm eatiiiiiiiiiinnnnng.

Even full from stern to bow,

Even full from bottom to top,

I want some more and I want it right now!

I'm too full but I can't stop!

I'm eating, and I eat more everyday.

Eating.  Don't try to get away!

I'm eating, any time or place.

I'm eating more than a black hole in space!

O, so full from my bow to my stern!

O, so full, top to butt!

Nothing on earth can make my stomach turn.

Welcome to my endless gut!

Even when I'm eating, I feel like I'm not.

Don't care if it is cold or hot.

Don't always chew, sometimes swallow it whole.

No matter how much, I want more than I got.

I'm eatiiiiinnnng.

Eatiiiiiiinnnnnnng!

Eating cause I like it!

[Enter AGONIGHTUS, KALIMAY, WACANDAMACA and FIFI.  Even these fierce, evil spirits seem shocked by the amount of treasure and somewhat nervous about being aboard the BELLADONNA.]

AGONIGHTUS

Are you ready to go ashore?

BELLADONNA

[Creaking, the sound of splitting wood, then the voice]

By and by.

[ A different VOICE from behind a red velvet curtain abruptly speaks in a squeaky, stressed manner.  The VOICE is "shhhhed" by other frightened VOICES.]

VOICE

By and by is easily said.

OTHER VOICES

Shhhh!

AGONIGHTUS

What was that?

BELLADONNA

Hmmm.  Just a bit of someone undigested.  Go now.  I will find you in the village.

[AGONIGHTUS, KALIMAY, WACANDAMACA and FIFI exit rapidly]

~ To Be Continued ~

http://bit.ly/imBp8E I'm 18/Alice Cooper

ACT 2 Scene 4 A TRAITOR IN FAIRYLAND

ACT 2

Scene 4

The dock for St. John's Priory on the other side of the enchanted island.

[ It is dark except for one faint light on a lamppost which flickers and goes out. SIEVE'S boat is the only one there. SIEVE and HANK'S BODY (now possessed by his twin LEO) and the GOAT(possessed by FREDDIE, the twin's father), step out of the boat and onto the dock with only a flashlight to guide them.]

SIEVE

Alas, poor goat!  I got thee to the priory!

HANK/LEO

It's so dark. Are you sure we are in the right place?  Give me the flashlight!

[ SIEVE gives HANK/LEO the flashlight, takes out his spyglass and looks at the stars and SCREAMS ]

SIEVE

We're in the wrong hemisphere! 

HANK/LEO

Give me that!  What's the matter with you?  We haven't had time to change hemispheres!

[ HANK/LEO grabs the spyglass and gives SIEVE the flashlight.]

SIEVE

I've never seen those stars before!  Besides, I told you no one is here, they're all at the festival.

HANK/LEO

If that's my father's yacht, then we're on the wrong side of the island.

[ HANK/LEO looks out to sea through the spyglass.]

B, E, L, L, A, D, O, N, N, A.    Not my dad's.

SIEVE

[Shrill voice, very anxious]

Was this the ship that lunched a thousand faces and burnt them for hours in it's bottomless monster ileum?!

HANK/LEO

You are drunk!

SIEVE

[ Shines the light around the dock rapidly.]

This looks like the right place.  Let's drop off the goat and get the hell out of here!

HANK/LEO

Give me the flashlight and the goat!  You stay right here!  Don't you dare leave! Leda is out there, somewhere!  We're not leaving without my wife!

SIEVE

I'll wait in the boat. Right here in the boat.

[ HANK/LEO drags the goat by the rope, goes down the dock, turns and shines the light back towards SIEVE, who is ducking in the boat , only visible from the eyes up. He comes upon the lamppost and tightens the bulb. The light comes back on.]

HANK/LEO

The bulb was just loose.  I can see the path now.  I'll be back with Leda in a minute. Don't you dare leave without us!

[ HANK/LEO and the GOAT/FREDDIE exit ]

[ A moment of silence.]  

[Enter LEO'S  body possessed by HANK'S spirit, like a bat out of hell.  He grabs the lamppost, catches his breath and scrambles towards the boat.]

LEO/HANK

A boat!  Thank God!

(Laughs hysterically, then is suddenly serious.)

Get me out of here!

SIEVE

That was fast!

[ SIEVE gets out of the boat and walks towards LEO/HANK.  LEO/HANK grabs SIEVE by the shoulders and shakes him while he yells at him.] 

LEO/HANK

Get back in the boat!  You take me to the Sea Breeze Hotel right now!  Right now!  Get me out of here! I smell beer!

SIEVE

I'll throw the beer overboard if it bothers you that much. 

LEO/HANK

No! Don't do that.  I want one.  Start the boat first. Hurry!

SIEVE

Look, it's none of my business, but, there is no way you had time to search for Leda.  I thought you wanted to find her.

LEO/HANK

( Laughs like a mad man, then gets serious abuptly.)

You know her!?  Well, why not.  Afterall, she's a hootchy-kootchy woman.  She's the one I'm trying to get away from!  She's stalking me!

SIEVE

I need another beer.

LEO/HANK

We drink when we are so far from the shore that she can't swim out to us!

[ SIEVE and LEO/HANK exit.]

[ Enter HANK/LEO]

HANK/LEO

( Shouting)

Hey! Hey! I paid you to wait for me!

[ HANK/LEO realizes he's too late and begins to talk to himself.]

HANK/LEO

That's alright. I will deal with you later.  Lost my father-the-goat chasin after the boat.  That's alright too.  I'll find him later. I'm the only one who knows what's going on around here.

[ HANK/LEO exits into the bushes.]

[ Enter fierce ROWAN, Titania's Body Guard.  She has something tiny in the palm of her hand.]

ROWAN

 Here is thy once missing scepter, Your Majesty. 

[There is a great puff of smoke from which QUEEN MAB appears in the human sized version of herself, still wearing her usual golden helmet. She takes the almost invisible scepter from ROWAN'S palm.]

ROWAN

How went the meeting aboard the frightful Belladonna?

QUEEN MAB

The Mosquito and I saw eye to eye. All will go as planned.  She briefs the others as we speak.  And where did we find Our one time missing Scepter?

 

ROWAN

   With a Puck.  I had Seadew tender that Puck asleep with a soothing mist so I might retrieve thy scepter undetected.  He sleeps even now in the bushes nearby, with his train of followers, all wearing the weeds of good monks and blessed nuns. He hath done much mischief this evening. He hath heard confessions and made marriages and feasted upon many months of stored supplies belonging to St. John's Priory. He hath turned a well known and wealthy human into a goat.  He hath switched the souls of that man's twin sons.  A sleep seemed the only way to deal with him.

QUEEN MAB

It seems Our curse did little to keep Puck out of our way. Take you this potion and give it him and his fairies before they wake.  It will remove the curse and  everyone's memory of this evening's events. Then will Oberon find his fatted fairies sleeping and no excuses to be made. Let the goat and his twins keep up the run. We will tend to them when the worst is done! This will suit Our purpose.

ROWAN

If Your Majesty has no other tasks for me, I will attend to Puck and then continue to appear to search for Queen Titania.

QUEEN MAB

Worthy, strong and true Rowan, you will be much rewarded for your loyalty to Us.

[ROWAN bows deeply and respectfully to QUEEN MAB. ]

[ QUEEN MAB exits.]

[ Enter SEADEW, a sweet and goofy fairy who giggles a lot, the same SEADEW who earlier attended upon TITANIA asked TITANIA if she wanted her blue diamond removed before her nap.]

ROWAN

More mist! More mist!  The Queen commands that Oberon shall find a lazy lump of Puck!

SEADEW

( giggles)

Which Queen?

ROWAN

(Pretending to be angry)

What?  Shall I beat you?  Did you call our Queen a witch?

[SEADEW runs in circles flapping her arms.  ROWAN catches her before SEADEW hits the lamppost.]

SEADEW

Making the mist.  Just making the mist. Come Seamint! Help me make the mist!

ROWAN

(Affectionately)

Come, silly Seadew. Oberon is near.

[ ROWAN and SEADEW exit into the bushes.]

[Enter OBERON, boiling mad.]

OBERON

Methinks I never ate anger till now!

Appear thou Puck or thee I disavow!

[ Enter ROWAN.  SEADEW and SEAMINT, a male version of SEADEW, sneak out of the bushes to follow ROWAN ]

OBERON

 Servants of my missing Queen, what do you report?

SEAMINT

( Whispers to Seadew)

That I have never seen such testosterone in an Oberon before!

[ ROWAN swats SEADEW and SEAMINT back towards the bushes and scolds them.]

ROWAN

Seamint! Seadew! Get thee gone!

Dare not play with Oberon!

[Exit SEAMINT and SEADEW.]

OBERON

Fierce Rowan, tell me what you tell the bushes!

ROWAN

Indeed My Lord, I tell them that they snore in their sleep! Here! No, there!  Hast thou ever heard so sore a snore?  Well, no matter what wild boar sleeps here, I must continue my search for my Queen!

[ ROWAN points to where she left PUCK and his TRAIN OF FAIRIES sleeping. ROWAN exits.]

OBERON

(To himself)

I will wake this creature that dares to sleep on such a night!

[ OBERON exits into the bushes.]

~ To Be Continued ~

ACT 2 Scene 3 BIG TROUBLE IN THISBE'S TAVERN

ACT 2

Scene 3

[ Thisbe's Tavern ]

[ Thisbe's BARTENDER cleans the bar with a towel while listening to PHILLIP STRAIT, who is seated at the bar, drinking heavily.  TOURISTS wearing wreaths of yellow flowers talk at tables and booths while the WAITRESS delivers drinks and clears tables.]

PHILLIP STRAIT

I've known Emeyle since childhood.  I'm the one who introduced her to Owen Palaemon.  If I could turn back time, that's one mistake I'd undo.

BARTENDER

And yet you say they are a happy couple.  Did you ever stop to think it was fate, that they would have met even if you weren't the catalyst?

PHILLIP STRAIT

[ Mumbling to himself ]

She's the only one.

[ To the bartender ]

Better get back.  What do I owe you for the kegs?

BARTENDER

On the house, my friend.

[ Phillip leaves a tip and picks up one of the kegs ]

PHILLIP STRAIT

Thanks man.  I appreciate it.  I work for the richest man in the world, but the less he knows about this dress rehearsal, the better.  You coming to the play?

BARTENDER

Are you kidding? I wouldn't miss it.  Don't look now, but it seems your thirsty cast has come to help you carry the beer.  Do you know the guy with the muzzled goat?

[ Enter NOLAND, GOAT, PERCY PEAR, FRANCIS QUIBBLE, TOOT, SIEVE, and NICHOLAS WINTERBOTTOM ]

PHILLIP STRAIT

[ To Bartender]

That's Noland, President Yolanda Kolette's head of security.  Among other things, he's supposed to be keeping Emeyle Kolette safe.  What's with the goat?

BARTENDER

I asked first.

TOOT

I'm Rosencrantz. Percy is Guildenstern.

PERCY

The goat thinks he's Hamlet's father!  Ophelia's really having a nervous breakdown.

SIEVE

[ Haltingly ]

Shall I strike at it with my partisan?

TOOT

Dude, that is not your line.

[ NICHOLAS WINTERBOTTOM sulks in the doorway, leaning, shifting his weight, sighing ]

FRANCIS QUIBBLE

I can't tell if Nicholas is acting or not.  Can you tell?

SIEVE

It might be my line.  Mr. Strait said I might be a composite character if the other Marcellus keeps passing out.  So there, Mr. Smarty pants!

PERCY

Ophelia needs a medic.  I kid you not!

[ NOLAND makes his way through the chattering players and hands the rope tied to the goat to PHILLIP STRAIT ]

NOLAND

That goat can't talk.  Just get rid of it.

PHILLIP STRAIT

Why do I have to get rid of your goat?

NOLAND

Because your boss is missing and Kolette sent me to find him.  You better stay at your post and do what Freddie told you to do.  Chances are he's in the bushes spying on you.  That's where I expect to find him.

PHILLIP STRAIT

What's with the goat?

NOLAND

Why don't you tell me and then we'll both know.

PHILLIP STRAIT

Why does everyone think I know this goat?  I've never been this close to this or any other goat in my entire life.

NOLAND

Be that as it may, the goat was found in Freddie's quarters and it ate the pre-nup.  I don't care who you hired to put it there.  Just donate it to a shepherd before Freddie kills it.  President Kolette is against animal cruelty.  She wants you to donate the goat to some shepherd before Freddie finds out.

[ NOLAND turns and walks towards the door.]

PERCY

Ophelia is tearing up the set!  I'm thinking that girl might jump off the roof!

PHILLIP STRAIT

[ To Percy ]

What the devil are you talking about?  Tell the psycho it's just a role, Hamlet isn't really dumping her.

[ To Noland ]

You take this goat!

[ Slaps the goat's bottom ]

[ To Goat ]

Go on! Follow that guy!  You came in with him, you smelly bastard! Go!

[ The goat doesn't budge.]

NOLAND

I'd love to stay and chat.

PHILLIP STRAIT

Noland! How am I supposed to find a shepherd and direct a play rehearsal at the same time?

NOLAND

Not my problem.  I didn't lose a director and an entire cast.  Like I said, Freddie is probably behind a potted palm watching every move you make!

[ NOLAND exits ]

PHILLIP STRAIT

Who is tearing up my set?

PERCY PEAR

[ Belches ]

My theory is that when the goat started talking to Laertes, it all went south. First the goat say, "I am thy father! Baa! Baa!"

FRANCIS QUIBBLE

[ Imitating a girl's voice, badly ]

That's when Ophelia says to her brother Laertes, "What's wrong with you?"

PERCY PEAR

[ Imitating Hank/Laertes, poorly ]

"Damn you, you put something in my drink!  Well, you are too late!  I'm already married!"

FRANCIS QUIBBLE

[ Tears away from Phillip and gets on his knees to Percy, imitating Ophelia/Daphne, poorly. ]

But I love thee!

NICHOLAS WINTERBOTTOM

[ Muttering ]

Damned incest!

WALTER ANDREAS

[ Points to Nicholas ]

He speaks!

SIEVE

Shall I strike it with my partisan?!

[ PHILLIP STRAIT downs another shot and this time he grabs SIEVE.]

PHILLIP STRAIT

I don't care what you do with your partisan.  Just take this goat and get rid of it for me.  Find it a nice home.

SIEVE

They keep goats at St. John's Priory.

PHILLIP STRAIT

Fine.  Take it there.  Practice your lines on the way.

[ Percy Pear, slightly drunk, puts his arm around Phillip Strait and continues reporting, talking directly into Phillip's ear. ]

PERCY PEAR

"But I love you, Hank!" sayest Daphne.  "Thou base money grabber!" sayest Hank.

PHILLIP STRAIT

Wait a minute!  Ophelia is Daphne?  Laertes is Hank?  Oh no!

FRANCIS QUIBBLE

They seemed nice enough.

TOOT

They were very nice before the goat showed up with that nasty man.

SIEVE

[ Elbows Winterbottom at the door ]

I told you there was something funny about Laertes.

[ Sieve exits with the goat ]

PHILLIP STRAIT

Stand not amazed!  Everyone!  Grab a keg!  To the roof!  To the roof!

[ The players grab kegs of beer and scramble out of Thisbe's Tavern with Phillip in the lead.  The Bartender shakes his head.  The tourists go back to their drinks and conversations.]

~ To Be Continued ~

ACT 2 Scene 2 PUCK FINDS SOMETHING IN THE GRAVEYARD AT ST JOHN'S ABBEY

ACT 2

Scene 2

The graveyard of St. John's Priory next to the chapel. PUCK, POPPY, TOADFLAX, HAREBELL, YEW, BUD, FOXGLOVE and YARROW are gathered around a tombstone.

PUCK

This is the grave of Bandar, the changeling!

Here lies the boy King Oberon did nab!

Much did the world quake from that quarreling!

Could this be the hideaway of Queen Mab?  

[ An OWL HOOTS four times.]

OWL

Who! Who! Who! Who!

[ The fairies scramble and hide behind tombstones and trees.  Dry leaves blow across the stage. ]

YARROW

[ She ventures out and WHISPERS ]

All clear.

[ All the fairies creep out from their hiding places. ] 

TOADFLAX

[ Answering Puck, whispering ]

Many a night this site she was last seen.

Rested here the carriage of Mab, The Queen.

[ A CREATURE off stage GROWLS four times.]

CREATURE

Grrrrr! Grrrrr! Grrrrr! Grrrrr!

[ The fairies stifle their SCREAMS, fall all over each other as they rush back to their hiding places. POPPY pulls PUCK behind  the tomb of BANDAR because PUCK has trouble moving the direction he wants to.  Dry leaves BLOW across the stage from the opposite side this time. After a moment of silence, YARROW ventures out again. ]

YARROW

False alarm!

[ The fairies come out and gather around BANDAR'S grave.  PUCK inspects the monument carefully.  He finds something.]

PUCK

[ Holds a tiny splinter high, arm stretched out fully. ]

Alas Queen Mab's scepter! Puck knows thee well!

Oft' this royal staff hath flogged my head to hell.

And found a sepulchre inside this skull.

The book of Puck's brain it doth nightly gull!

[ A shadow moves across the stage.  A crow CAWS four times. ]

CROW

Caw! Caw! Caw! Caw!

[ The fairies dash to hide, torn between fear and looking foolish for being so afraid.  PUCK peeps from behind the tombstone, shakes his head in shame, rests his face in his arms folded atop the stone.  The fairies giggle then get defensive. ]

TOADFLAX

What if it had been Mab?!

POPPY

 What if it had been Oberon?!

[ Puck melts in shame slowly sinking back behind the tombstone.  He emits a LOUD YOWL and pops back up playing an electric guitar.] 

PUCK

[ Singing to the tune of John Lee Hooker's BOOM! BOOM! ]

 Yeeeeeeee ooooooowwwwww!

Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo!

Gonna scare you right now!

Right outta your seat!

Make you scared of me!

Put you in a haunted house!

Hey! Hey!

[ All the fairies join in and dance like Frankenstein.]

PUCK (CONT'D)

Whoa! Baby!

You blow my mind!

When you walk

Like Frankenstein!

Yeah! Yeah!

Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo!

Oh Yeah!

Howl. Howl. Howl. Howl.

Growl. Growl. Growl. Growl.

Hear the snappin' twig!

Hoot. Hoot. Mr. Owl!

Flip your wig!

Throw in the towel!

Get scared tonight!

Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo!

Love to scare you!

Love to scare you, baby!

Love to see you run!

Run away from me!

Chasin' you is fun!

Come on, come on!

Run away from me!

Wanna scare you some more!

Boo! Boo!......

 [ Puck and the fairies suddenly hush and hide again.]

Enter LEDA and LEONARDO.  LEDA clings to LEONARDO for dear life. LEONARDO is HANK'S identical twin. ]

LEDA

I heard singing!

LEONARDO

I heard it too.

LEDA

Where are the monks?

[ PUCK pops back up from behind the tombstone wearing a monk's clothing, adjusting the rosary around his suddenly large waist and rubbing his newly bald head.  LEDA and LEONARDO do not see him yet but they hear the fairies gasp, giggle and whisper.]

FAIRIES 

Oh no!

[ LEONARDO moves LEDA behind him as he turns around to face the direction of the voices. ]

LEONARDO

Who's there!?

PUCK

It's Prior Puck, my children.

LEONARDO

Will you marry us?

PRIOR PUCK

Both of you?  We've only just met!

[ PUCK walks backwards towards LEONARDO and LEDA.  The other fairies come from behind tombstones and trees dressed as nuns and friars.  LEONARDO and LEDA look at each other.]

LEDA

[ Whispers to Leonardo]

I'm still frightened.  I think it is true that this island is enchanted.  Why is that monk walking backwards?

LEONARDO

[ Aside to Leda]

My darling, are you getting cold feet?  Am I not so attractive without my father's fortune?

LEDA

[ Aside to Leonardo, amazed that he doens't care.] 

Leo!  That silly monk is walking backwards!

LEONARDO

[ Aside to Leda, annoyed, suspicious.]

Who are we to make fun of the religious customs of others?  You are the one who is acting funny!

[ PRIOR PUCK finally reaches the couple but he is standing with his back to them.]

PRIOR PUCK

[ To Poppy]

Spin us around, will you, Sisters Poppy and Harebell?

[ Dressed in nun's habits, the fairies POPPY and HAREBELL each take one of PUCK'S hands and run round till PUCK faces the couple.]

PRIOR PUCK

 [Aside to Poppy and Harebell]

 Bless you.

HAREBELL

 [Curtsies and attempts to give the polite reverse response.]

 Ah choo.

[POPPY yanks HAREBELL aside and slaps the back of her head.]

PRIOR PUCK

 [  Leans forward to speak to the couple and starts to fall.  TOADFLAX and FOXGLOVE catch him by his robe and tug till he's upright again.  PRIOR PUCK talks to the couple as if nothing had happened.]

 I sense some discord.

LEDA

 I am falsely accused of falling out of love with my Leonardo because of the cruel prenuptial agreement drawn by his father at the last minute.  The old goat stipulates that I must marry Leo's twin brother, Hank!  When we pointed out the error to him, the old goat, the richest man in the world, refused to pay his attorney to correct the draft and insisted he would cut both Leo and Hank out of his will if they do not abide by the prenuptial.

FOXGLOVE

 [  To PUCK while still holding PUCK'S robe so PUCK can lean forward without falling on his face.]

 Such thrift is surely an offense.  Shall I get the book and look it up?

PRIOR PUCK

 [ To Toadflax]

 By and by.

[To Yew and Bud]

Friars Yew and Bud, to the cellar and fetch the ale and wine.

[ To Harebell and Poppy]

Hide you here near Bandar's grave and signal should Mab appear.

[ To Leda and Leonardo]

Shall we to the confessional for some wine and conversation before the wedding?

LEDA

Oh! Yes. I need a drink!

LEONARDO

So now you need to be drunk before you can marry a poor man like me?

LEDA

[ To Prior Puck ]

Prior Puck, do you really think you can help us?

PRIOR PUCK

My children, you shall be happily wed and the old goat will eat his words!  Tis wonderous good luck to be wed on St. John's Eve!  Come everyone, let's to the priory!

LEDA

[ Takes Leonardo's hand.]

You see?  It's going to be alright after all.  Prior Puck is going to take care of us.

[ PRIOR PUCK walks backwards towards the priory, guided by TOADFLAX.]

LEONARDO

So now it doesn't bother you that he walks backwards?

LEDA

[ LEDA turns around and walks backwards, almost tripping in the process.]

Leo, my darling, by now you must know I will do anything for your love.

[ Everyone  exits, except HAREBELL and POPPY, who hide behind trees to wait for QUEEN MAB to appear.]

Enter STRAWBERRY and FORGET-ME-NOT

[ STRAWBERRY is still transformed into a giant egg and FORGET-ME-NOT is still transformed into an old shoe.]

STRAWBERRY AND FORGET-ME-NOT

Wait for us!

~ To Be Continued ~