ACT 2
Scene 3
[ Thisbe's Tavern ]
[ Thisbe's BARTENDER cleans the bar with a towel while listening to PHILLIP STRAIT, who is seated at the bar, drinking heavily. TOURISTS wearing wreaths of yellow flowers talk at tables and booths while the WAITRESS delivers drinks and clears tables.]
PHILLIP STRAIT
I've known Emeyle since childhood. I'm the one who introduced her to Owen Palaemon. If I could turn back time, that's one mistake I'd undo.
BARTENDER
And yet you say they are a happy couple. Did you ever stop to think it was fate, that they would have met even if you weren't the catalyst?
PHILLIP STRAIT
[ Mumbling to himself ]
She's the only one.
[ To the bartender ]
Better get back. What do I owe you for the kegs?
BARTENDER
On the house, my friend.
[ Phillip leaves a tip and picks up one of the kegs ]
PHILLIP STRAIT
Thanks man. I appreciate it. I work for the richest man in the world, but the less he knows about this dress rehearsal, the better. You coming to the play?
BARTENDER
Are you kidding? I wouldn't miss it. Don't look now, but it seems your thirsty cast has come to help you carry the beer. Do you know the guy with the muzzled goat?
[ Enter NOLAND, GOAT, PERCY PEAR, FRANCIS QUIBBLE, TOOT, SIEVE, and NICHOLAS WINTERBOTTOM ]
PHILLIP STRAIT
[ To Bartender]
That's Noland, President Yolanda Kolette's head of security. Among other things, he's supposed to be keeping Emeyle Kolette safe. What's with the goat?
BARTENDER
I asked first.
TOOT
I'm Rosencrantz. Percy is Guildenstern.
PERCY
The goat thinks he's Hamlet's father! Ophelia's really having a nervous breakdown.
SIEVE
[ Haltingly ]
Shall I strike at it with my partisan?
TOOT
Dude, that is not your line.
[ NICHOLAS WINTERBOTTOM sulks in the doorway, leaning, shifting his weight, sighing ]
FRANCIS QUIBBLE
I can't tell if Nicholas is acting or not. Can you tell?
SIEVE
It might be my line. Mr. Strait said I might be a composite character if the other Marcellus keeps passing out. So there, Mr. Smarty pants!
PERCY
Ophelia needs a medic. I kid you not!
[ NOLAND makes his way through the chattering players and hands the rope tied to the goat to PHILLIP STRAIT ]
NOLAND
That goat can't talk. Just get rid of it.
PHILLIP STRAIT
Why do I have to get rid of your goat?
NOLAND
Because your boss is missing and Kolette sent me to find him. You better stay at your post and do what Freddie told you to do. Chances are he's in the bushes spying on you. That's where I expect to find him.
PHILLIP STRAIT
What's with the goat?
NOLAND
Why don't you tell me and then we'll both know.
PHILLIP STRAIT
Why does everyone think I know this goat? I've never been this close to this or any other goat in my entire life.
NOLAND
Be that as it may, the goat was found in Freddie's quarters and it ate the pre-nup. I don't care who you hired to put it there. Just donate it to a shepherd before Freddie kills it. President Kolette is against animal cruelty. She wants you to donate the goat to some shepherd before Freddie finds out.
[ NOLAND turns and walks towards the door.]
PERCY
Ophelia is tearing up the set! I'm thinking that girl might jump off the roof!
PHILLIP STRAIT
[ To Percy ]
What the devil are you talking about? Tell the psycho it's just a role, Hamlet isn't really dumping her.
[ To Noland ]
You take this goat!
[ Slaps the goat's bottom ]
[ To Goat ]
Go on! Follow that guy! You came in with him, you smelly bastard! Go!
[ The goat doesn't budge.]
NOLAND
I'd love to stay and chat.
PHILLIP STRAIT
Noland! How am I supposed to find a shepherd and direct a play rehearsal at the same time?
NOLAND
Not my problem. I didn't lose a director and an entire cast. Like I said, Freddie is probably behind a potted palm watching every move you make!
[ NOLAND exits ]
PHILLIP STRAIT
Who is tearing up my set?
PERCY PEAR
[ Belches ]
My theory is that when the goat started talking to Laertes, it all went south. First the goat say, "I am thy father! Baa! Baa!"
FRANCIS QUIBBLE
[ Imitating a girl's voice, badly ]
That's when Ophelia says to her brother Laertes, "What's wrong with you?"
PERCY PEAR
[ Imitating Hank/Laertes, poorly ]
"Damn you, you put something in my drink! Well, you are too late! I'm already married!"
FRANCIS QUIBBLE
[ Tears away from Phillip and gets on his knees to Percy, imitating Ophelia/Daphne, poorly. ]
But I love thee!
NICHOLAS WINTERBOTTOM
[ Muttering ]
Damned incest!
WALTER ANDREAS
[ Points to Nicholas ]
He speaks!
SIEVE
Shall I strike it with my partisan?!
[ PHILLIP STRAIT downs another shot and this time he grabs SIEVE.]
PHILLIP STRAIT
I don't care what you do with your partisan. Just take this goat and get rid of it for me. Find it a nice home.
SIEVE
They keep goats at St. John's Priory.
PHILLIP STRAIT
Fine. Take it there. Practice your lines on the way.
[ Percy Pear, slightly drunk, puts his arm around Phillip Strait and continues reporting, talking directly into Phillip's ear. ]
PERCY PEAR
"But I love you, Hank!" sayest Daphne. "Thou base money grabber!" sayest Hank.
PHILLIP STRAIT
Wait a minute! Ophelia is Daphne? Laertes is Hank? Oh no!
FRANCIS QUIBBLE
They seemed nice enough.
TOOT
They were very nice before the goat showed up with that nasty man.
SIEVE
[ Elbows Winterbottom at the door ]
I told you there was something funny about Laertes.
[ Sieve exits with the goat ]
PHILLIP STRAIT
Stand not amazed! Everyone! Grab a keg! To the roof! To the roof!
[ The players grab kegs of beer and scramble out of Thisbe's Tavern with Phillip in the lead. The Bartender shakes his head. The tourists go back to their drinks and conversations.]
~ To Be Continued ~
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