ACT 1
Scene 5
[Thisbe's Tavern]
[NICHOLAS WINTERBOTTOM, PERCY PEAR, SIEVE, FRANCIS QUIBBLE, WALTER ANDREAS and TOOT are seated at a large booth. The Tavern is full of locals enjoying the Midsummer's Eve Festival. A WAITRESS carries two pitchers of beer to WINTERBOTTOM'S table. She exits.]
WALTER
I charged him more for the new sign than I quoted him to mend that crack after the quake. He thought it would be cheaper to keep the crack and rename the tavern.
[WALTER nods towards the karaoke stage and the great crack in the wall behind the stage. The men LAUGH, except NICHOLAS, who is sulking and SIEVE who does not get the joke.]
SIEVE
I still don't get it.
TOOT
Pyramus kisses his girlfriend, Thisbe, through a hole in the wall.
[To WALTER]
What's he going to call the place after the wall falls down in the next quake?
FRANCIS QUIBBLE
Maybe he'll hire Nicholas to put in a stained glass wall.
[NICHOLAS WINTERBOTTOM shrugs and forces a short smile.]
SIEVE
Come on Nicholas! We liked your story. It was the best one ever! Tell it again!
NICHOLAS WINTERBOTTOM
No.
PERCY PEAR
[To Nicholas in a low voice.]
Nicholas, I'm sorry I called you "The Mad Hatter." You work with lead, not mercury.
[Percy burst out laughing inspite of his attempt to apologize.]
Everyone knows you are "The Mad Stained Glass Window Maker" and the best there is! A true artist!
WALTER ANDREAS
Shut up, Percy.
PERCY PEAR
Seriously. You should write it down and bring it round to my print shop. I'll print it and we'll sell it to the tourists. An ancient ship called the BELLADONNA appears out of no where. It turns into a mosquito so it can taste the tourists to see if it wants to eat them or not. The mosquito turns into a pretty little girl with a sand bucket full of treasure that she has gathered from the shore. It's really treasure from her ship that she uses as bait. She turns into a giant, slimey slug with breasts that look like horns and inhales everyone on the beach, eating them alive and dissolving them in her poison drool.
[NICHOLAS drains his glass and pours himself another beer and continues drinking.]
[Enter PHILLIP STRAIT]
PHILIP STRAIT
[Makes a LOUD proclamation.]
You are all hired, effective immediately. Here are your parts.
[He plops copies of HAMLET on the tables.]
Report to the roof top stage of the Sea Breeze for dress rehearsal now. Your costumes and props are already up there. Show time is eight pm sharp tomorrow.
[PHILLIP STRAIT exits.]
[PHILLIP STRAIT re-enters.]
PHILLIP STRAIT
You may bring your beers with you.
[PHILLIP STRAIT exits.]
TOOT
It must have something to do with the big wedding tomorrow. I put the cake in my display window. It's a masterpiece if I do say so myself.
FRANCIS QUIBBLE
I want to be FORTINBRAS. Nicholas must play the part of HAMLET. He has the soul for it.
[Enter HANK and DAPHNE]
SIEVE
[Under his breath to his friends.]
Hey! That's impossible! I just took that guy to the priory on the other side of the island in my water taxi! I'm supposed to pick him up tomorrow but he's back with a different woman already! He's fast in every way!
HANK
[LOUD, so the whole Tavern can hear.]
We are looking for the acting troupe that is performing HAMLET tomorrow. Someone said we might find them here.
PERCY PEAR
You have come to the right place.
HANK
Daphne and I wish to join your troupe. We want to begin new lives as actors.
FRANCIS QUIBBLE
Well, alright then. Here you go.
[Francis gives them each a copy of HAMLET.]
WALTER ANDREAS
Come with us to the theatre. The parts of HAMLET and FORTINBRAS have been taken, but there are plenty more to chose from.
HANK
[Aside to DAPHNE.]
I did not think it would be so easy. My father always took care of everything. If I knew it was this easy to get a job, I would have become independent a long time ago.
DAPHNE
You're sure you want to do this?
HANK
How can you even ask? After what my father told us to do? Of course I'm sure.
[Everyone exits Thisbe's Tavern.]
~ to be continued ~
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